i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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