did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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