***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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