Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
