nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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