just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you never un-have a 4some
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
