Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize