I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize