A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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