either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You are a genius and a whore.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
