I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
