he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
