Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize