I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
