I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
