I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize