the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
