Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
