You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
