Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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