New invention idea: vibrating tampons
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm too high and old for this...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
