a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
