I met the friendliest cop last night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
