dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
