She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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