I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
