I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
