he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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