I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
