he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
