I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Randomize
