I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
