Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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