We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
