my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Rumble strips road head = magical
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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