I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
