I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
