wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
