we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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