I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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