Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
