When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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