My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
