you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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