People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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