He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
