question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
