Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
