I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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