why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
