There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
