I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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