...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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