My friends, they love my intelligence
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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