I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
