I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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