I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize