sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
