She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
