Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
