I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
