listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
