i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
