we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
