Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
