you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
