I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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