First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
