i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
