I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
