Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
