I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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